St. Patrick's Day is 4/20 for alcoholics.
A guard from the Michigan basketball team is named Muhammad-Ali Abdur-Rahkman. This is akin to an American spelling the surname Jones as Joanz.
Alright people, I don't think I should keep you from riches. As I said, if you win, donate at least 25% of your winnings to an organization that will help immigrants or help advocate against the Republican health care plan
I have come up with an idea that will revolutionize marriage and all other romantic or cohabitation based relationships.
If one partner makes a special request of the other, they should utilize a workflow system that requires the submission of a “ticket” or work request. The system would help ensure that everyone is on the same page as far as what needs to be done and there would be estimated time frames for the completion of each task.
I have determined that the dumbening of America can be directly attributed to the movie “The Sandlot”.
In the movie, there is a scene where a nerd named Squints fakes drowning. When hot lifeguard Wendy Peffercorn begins performing CPR on Squints, he unexpectedly kisses her. She is horrified and kicks Squints and his friends out of the pool.
After the movie was released, all the hot lifeguards said, “That’s not going to be me!” So, in an effort to avoid being “Sandlotted”, the hot lifeguards let drowning nerds die instead of attempting mouth to mouth.
At my old job, I’d talk to Tea Party idiots all the time. Since we had to take calls from people if they followed up on stuff, I was able to see the deterioration of their lives in a very concrete way.
Call 1: Obama is the worst and everyone besides me is leeching off the system! Why do I have to pay so much in taxes!
Call 2: I just lost my job. Does my employer have to keep giving me health insurance?
Call 3: I’m about to lose my house. Aren’t there any government programs that can help me?
About a month ago, I was sitting at lunch with some friends at work. I asked if they knew of any kind of disposable item that I could place on the kitchen counter while my wife cooks, leaving the kitchen counter clean afterwards. I was told that there was no way this existed and to just clean the counters right after the cooking is done.
They underestimated my dedication to laziness and my ability to find new uses for existing items.