humor

Baez

I'm convinced that Jose Baez is a legal witch, tapped into the dark magic that exists in this world.

The only conspiracy theory I wholly believe and that I personally created is that Baez convinced Aaron Hernandez to unalive himself.

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Your Lucky Day

The A's to Sacramento is a done deal. An MLB team will play in front of a 10000 person capacity crowd for the 2025-27 seasons.

They get to share the stadium with the Giants AAA team. I'd see about trading affiliates so that they can have their own minor leaguers ready to join the team at all times.

I'm picturing calls like this from the A's GM to a player: GM: "Hey, Shea Langeliers is stuck in traffic. How about making your major league debut today?? Player: "My mother in law's in town and I have to mow the lawn. Ask me again next week."

Jags Hat

My nephew is a huge Jags fan. I gave him a Jags hat last Xmas. I told him on Sunday that if Uncle Muneer's Jags bets don't pay out, I will repo the hat and throw it in the trash. Xmas this year will be very interesting at my in-laws' house.

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Child's gift

I told my fellow gambler: "You'll wrap up 5 of the Tootsie lollipops from the office kitchen with a note saying. "Sorry Jennifer, but the Packers didn't cover and Gus Edwards rushed for less than 50 yards. Maybe next year..."

House chores

There was a time my wife said I wasn't doing enough around the house and that she felt that she was carrying the entire load. After the initial emotions had soothed, we agreed to write down every single thing we do around the house. My list was longer than hers. All I said was, "Wow, this is really embarrassing for you..."

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Spoiling my appetite

A few years ago, I was snacking on a Reese's cup right before dinner at my in-laws' house. My nephew came to me and said, "How come you get to eat chocolate before dinner???" I told him, "When you start paying taxes, then you can also do whatever you want."

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Brown Whale

When I went on a cruise with my in-laws, we had walkie talkies so we could talk to each other and plan what to do each day without having to meet up. I insisted on being called Brown Whale at all times when I was being walkie-talkied.

On Day 3, my mother in law gets on and asks, "Muneer, is [wife's] cruise ID in the room?" No answer. She asks again. Still no answer. Finally, I hear this huge sigh and she says, "Ugh. Brown Whale, is [wife's] cruise ID in the room?". I pop on all chipper and said, "Yes! Yes it is!"

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Apex Mullets

My friend told me that there was a couple, man and woman, in a small town somewhere near McPherson or Wichita who wore matching San Francisco 49ers Starter jackets and rode around town on a motorcycle while smoking. That would be a 10/10 doubles mullet.

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Reorienting people

Back in the day, when I was working at the law firm, I was the one who would go around and try to get a consensus on which restaurant we'd order lunch from.

All people would tell me is what they didn't want. Eventually, I got frustrated and started saying, "You have to tell me what you do want. Stop being part of the problem and become part of the solution!!"

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Do the right thing

It's close to the end of the day. Some of us have sleep problems. You know what could help with that? A slice of chocolate espresso cake with salted caramel butter cream frosting. The sugar should make your system crash at just the right time.

If you're in the office, do what's right for you. Have some cake.

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Cattle rustling

A guy from my high school was arrested for cattle rustling in Olathe back in the mid 00's. He had fallen in with some people who were addicted to meth. He wasn't an addict, just not good at life.

Anyways, they'd rustle the cattle and then rent a U-Haul to drive the cows to cattle auctions in TX. After the cost of the U-Haul rental, fuel, and probably paying to have the truck cleaned, there wasn't much left over for the meth.

Heists are rarely as glamorous as they're made out to be.

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Be better

I told my best friend about some ill advised financial moves that ended up working for me. His response, "I'm just saying, if you're going to be a full-on bro, don't be "invests sports bet money in crypto" bro."

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Selling Sunset

Commenting on Heather from Selling Sunset being in Playboy: "I wouldn't have recognized her anyway. She was featured in that publication long after it stopped playing an outsized role in my development as a young man."