Shouting Into the Void

Arranged marriage

Back before I met my white American wife, my parents were allegedly looking for a match. I said fine because it's not like I was meeting anyone I liked on my own. Then I found out that they'd actually just created a profile for me on a matrimonial site. I was annoyed but I saw an opportunity.

Baez

I'm convinced that Jose Baez is a legal witch, tapped into the dark magic that exists in this world.

The only conspiracy theory I wholly believe and that I personally created is that Baez convinced Aaron Hernandez to unalive himself.

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A's Fandom

I have to admit something shameful from my past. In 2001, I attempted to switch my fandom to the A's.

It was a different time. Billy Beane was fleecing the Royals over and over. All of our best players were in Oakland. I was living in the Bay Area that summer and going to games at the Coliseum. Unlike Odysseus, I succumbed to the siren song.

It didn't take obviously, but it still haunts me.

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Your Lucky Day

The A's to Sacramento is a done deal. An MLB team will play in front of a 10000 person capacity crowd for the 2025-27 seasons.

They get to share the stadium with the Giants AAA team. I'd see about trading affiliates so that they can have their own minor leaguers ready to join the team at all times.

I'm picturing calls like this from the A's GM to a player: GM: "Hey, Shea Langeliers is stuck in traffic. How about making your major league debut today?? Player: "My mother in law's in town and I have to mow the lawn. Ask me again next week."

Jags Hat

My nephew is a huge Jags fan. I gave him a Jags hat last Xmas. I told him on Sunday that if Uncle Muneer's Jags bets don't pay out, I will repo the hat and throw it in the trash. Xmas this year will be very interesting at my in-laws' house.

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Child's gift

I told my fellow gambler: "You'll wrap up 5 of the Tootsie lollipops from the office kitchen with a note saying. "Sorry Jennifer, but the Packers didn't cover and Gus Edwards rushed for less than 50 yards. Maybe next year..."

House chores

There was a time my wife said I wasn't doing enough around the house and that she felt that she was carrying the entire load. After the initial emotions had soothed, we agreed to write down every single thing we do around the house. My list was longer than hers. All I said was, "Wow, this is really embarrassing for you..."

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Nostalgia

One time, my dad was talking to some other "uncles" at a party about how great it was back "home". As they kept talking, the insults of how godless and goodbye the US was started.

After a few minutes of listening to this nonsense, I asked, "If it's so great back home, them why are all of you here?" All the uncles were incensed about my rudeness. I was told to go to my room.

Don't let your parents argue it's so great back home. If it was, then they would have stayed there.

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Waiter

My mom once tried to make me circulate with appetizers at a party she threw. I told her there is no world where I'm going to be a waiter in my own house.

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Spoiling my appetite

A few years ago, I was snacking on a Reese's cup right before dinner at my in-laws' house. My nephew came to me and said, "How come you get to eat chocolate before dinner???" I told him, "When you start paying taxes, then you can also do whatever you want."

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Excel sucks

Back in late 2014, I made a huge error at work. I was sorting records In Excel and messed up the filtering. It caused mail to go to the wrong addresses, addressed to other clients. Then, in early 2015, I was asked to provide a file to a communications person to give to a client who wanted to know how many addresses were outdated. I made the mistake of providing both the old and new addresses. She gave them the file with only the old addresses.

After the second incident, I took a deep look inside and tried to figure out how I could be better at this stuff.

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Tea Party Progression

Anyone who says people shouldn't get "handouts" and nonsense like that are the first ones who are bewildered when something bad happens to them.

Back when I was at the law firm, the calls I got the most satisfaction from would follow this pattern:

  1. Someone called in about something like a tax or child custody issue. They'd then start ranting against government programs and handouts apropos of nothing.

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Brown Whale

When I went on a cruise with my in-laws, we had walkie talkies so we could talk to each other and plan what to do each day without having to meet up. I insisted on being called Brown Whale at all times when I was being walkie-talkied.

On Day 3, my mother in law gets on and asks, "Muneer, is [wife's] cruise ID in the room?" No answer. She asks again. Still no answer. Finally, I hear this huge sigh and she says, "Ugh. Brown Whale, is [wife's] cruise ID in the room?". I pop on all chipper and said, "Yes! Yes it is!"

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Apex Mullets

My friend told me that there was a couple, man and woman, in a small town somewhere near McPherson or Wichita who wore matching San Francisco 49ers Starter jackets and rode around town on a motorcycle while smoking. That would be a 10/10 doubles mullet.

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Pilot scheme

The pilots at some airline had what was called a non qualified 401k. That's where the company can fund it, but it goes poof if there's a bankruptcy. This airline had just gone bankrupt.

Well, the way this plan's document was written, the non-qualified balance would become guaranteed if the employee got a divorce.

So the pilots all got together and simultaneously got divorces from their wives, filed the paperwork to get the dough guaranteed, and then got remarried after it went through.

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Reorienting people

Back in the day, when I was working at the law firm, I was the one who would go around and try to get a consensus on which restaurant we'd order lunch from.

All people would tell me is what they didn't want. Eventually, I got frustrated and started saying, "You have to tell me what you do want. Stop being part of the problem and become part of the solution!!"

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Do the right thing

It's close to the end of the day. Some of us have sleep problems. You know what could help with that? A slice of chocolate espresso cake with salted caramel butter cream frosting. The sugar should make your system crash at just the right time.

If you're in the office, do what's right for you. Have some cake.

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Cattle rustling

A guy from my high school was arrested for cattle rustling in Olathe back in the mid 00's. He had fallen in with some people who were addicted to meth. He wasn't an addict, just not good at life.

Anyways, they'd rustle the cattle and then rent a U-Haul to drive the cows to cattle auctions in TX. After the cost of the U-Haul rental, fuel, and probably paying to have the truck cleaned, there wasn't much left over for the meth.

Heists are rarely as glamorous as they're made out to be.

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Be better

I told my best friend about some ill advised financial moves that ended up working for me. His response, "I'm just saying, if you're going to be a full-on bro, don't be "invests sports bet money in crypto" bro."

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Selling Sunset

Commenting on Heather from Selling Sunset being in Playboy: "I wouldn't have recognized her anyway. She was featured in that publication long after it stopped playing an outsized role in my development as a young man."

What's For Dinner?

This happened when I was 15. I'm in my 40s now.

My NMom was undiagnosed bipolar at the time (she's a terrible person even with that diagnosis. She'd gone back to her home country because her behavior got too out of hand. We were told it was so she could rest. This was the second time it happened, the first coming when I was 13. The previous time, I ended up having to take care of the house chores because my NDad refuses to do anything he feels is beneath him.

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Presents

Around 30 years agp, my family moved to the US from overseas.

In the country we came from, Mother's Day wasn't celebrated. When we got here, my 2 sisters and I thought it would be nice to get our mom something for the day. We went to K-Mart and found a purse we thought she'd like. After pooling our allowances together, we were just able to afford the purse.

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The best job in the world

arthurrhodes

Arthur Rhodes was left handed, and was mainly below average during his career. He played in Major League Baseball for 20 years, making a total of $37.9 million in the process.

In 2011, Arthur Rhodes was paid $3.9 million. According to Fangraphs, his performance meant that he should have earned -$5.8 million.

Mothers, teach your kids how to be left handed relief pitchers.

The Saga of Bobby Abreu

In 2005, Bobby Abreu had an uncharacteristic performance in March and April. He only hit .260/.371/.341. The numbers weren't bad, but not up to Abreu's usual standard.

Then, on May 9, his fiancee, Alicia Machado was filmed having sex with a castmate on the Chilean realty show, La Granja. Abreu immediately broke it off with Machado when the video came out.

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A new journey

I meant to send the following as the prelude to the newsletter you were sent this past week.

I've decided to find a new job. I saw that my current job was evolving in a way that I would eventually not enjoy the work at all. So I took the affirmative step of finding a new job before I was forced to do so.

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9/11 Social Media Post Templates

For the 20th anniversary of 9/11, I offer you the following templates for all of your social media needs.

[insert anecdote about the banal things you were doing when the Two Towers were hit]

[insert famous quote that expresses the horror and loss of innocence America experienced on 9/11]

[insert comment glorifying America and putting down all Muslims instead of just the dumb ones in al Qaeda] [insert comment comparing a trivial sports loss to 9/11]

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