When a company's retirement materials say "Live to work now so you can work to live later", run far, far away.

Happy We Killed Indians With Diseased Blankets And So Now It's Time To Feast Day

I'm going to acquire a taxidermied white man to help me avoid unwanted interactions with the police.

This led to the following exchange in the Facebook comments:

Happy We Threw Off The Shackles Of Oppression So We Could Have The Freedom To Blow Off Our Hands Day!

Happy Home Invasions Are Fine If You're White And Fat And Only Eat Food Left By The Fireplace Day.

Have fun at your “work is forcing us to hang out, so I drink to loosen up, cheat on my wife in the supply closet, have to get a divorce, now my kids are from a broken home” parties.

8:11 PM: How interesting that we must now vanquish a former Royals prospect in Affeldt to put some runs up on the board.

8:13 PM: Bumgarner coming in to the game. It's like if Scrooge had to kill the ghost of Christmas Past.

8:19 PM: Yost and Bochy both look like they're trying to concentrate on what their wives are saying.

8:20 PM: After his last run, Butler should be upgraded to Healthy Breakfast or Balanced Breakfast.

8:23 PM: That was a shameful run. Butler is hereby downgraded to Vegan Breakfast.

I'm now part of the Marketing team at work. It's not a new job, just my team getting shuffled over here. I'm going to need to watch the subliminal advertising episode of Saved by the Bell tonight.

Since my sister in law writes erotica, the subject of menage a trois came up at dinner last night. My nephew asked what it meant.

I said, “Don’t do it, kid. You never want to disappoint two people when you can get away with just disappointing one.”

Jeans days are now banned at work. My outfit today has a definite "I work at a golf store in the mall" vibe to it.

I was in high school and on the Knowledge Bowl team. One afternoon, we drove to a qualifier for all the schools in the state. I was sick as hell that day. I had a blanket, was chugging chicken soup and popping lozenges like Tic Tacs.

The qualifier was at a high school, so each team was in a different classroom. Once we began, the judges gave us questions as they would in a real competition. At some point, the question "Who is known as the Magnificent Miss M?" was asked. I said, "Bette Midler" and proceeded to pass out. My only familiarity was seeing the trailers for her movies.

If I were a Women's Studies major, my thesis topic would be "The Fossil Watch As Sexual Currency on the Jersey Shore".

I think Dustin Diamond is so bitter because he invented a sentient robot in 1989 and no one gave him his due.

Calling someone crazy is too derogatory. We should instead call them people who experience a wide range of emotions on a regular basis.

I'm writing a reboot of Magnum P.I. where Magnum moves to the UK and serves in the House of Commons. It's going to be called Magnum PI, MP.

If I went to jail, I'd get a waterfall tattooed on my face. If someone asked about it, I'd say, "The human body cannot produce that many tears." It would make me a boss from Day 1.

I was once on a road trip with another dude. We hadn’t booked a hotel for that night, and found that all the hotels in a 50 mile radius were rented out.

We finally found a room with a single bed. My friend looked apprehensive and looked like he was going to turn down the room because he was not wanting to sleep in the same bed as another dude. I was angry and screamed, “I have no interest in trying to have sex with you! If you’re going to try and have sex with me, make sure you don’t wake me up!”

Needless to say, we took the room.

I was thinking of watching the movie where Common falls in love with Queen Latifah, but I'm not really in the mood for science fiction.

Jessicca said that our cat Betty is like Lassie, but entirely self serving. Hilarious.

I will be traveling by plane in November. Looking forward to being "randomly selected" at the airport, just like every other time I fly.

English teacher: What do you think of as the American Dream?
Me: To live in a mansion with Benzes.
English Teacher: Your American Dream involves owning a foreign car? Wouldn't an American car be more appropriate?
Me: None of my dreams involve waiting on the side of the highway for a tow truck.

This practice will likely extend into a system where elite students who plan to go into the private sector are recruited and promised loan forgiveness, while tuition skyrockets ever higher for students in the middle and at the bottom of the class. There is no upper limit on how much one can borrow with a Grad Plus loan, so as long as there are naive students willing to pay to go to Georgetown, the school can keep raising tuition to infinity.

When I was a young boy, my family used to go to Bangladesh to visit falling every summer. In 1987, I was accused of stealing some money that had gone missing from my mom's purse. She did everything short of water boarding me to get me to admit that I was a thief. The next day, she pulled out one of her purses and the money was tucked away safely inside. When I expressed my desire for an apology, I was told that I was lucky to still be alive.

Hi Dayton,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years. She claimed that I never fully committed to the relationship, and let me go. She was a Latino chick who worked as a prison therapist. My friends are now saying that I need a younger, granola chick. Do you agree?

Dumped In Denver

It's easy to be snarky and cynical. Hell, that's my default mode. But, we all need to take a few minutes each day to think about how amazing and wondrous the world around us is. We are all able to live in the best country on Earth, we have our health (most of us), and there are people out there who care about us. To get mad at little things like someone cutting us off in traffic or someone getting the last Diet Coke out of the vending machine is a drop in the bucket of life. I'm going to start trying to brush these things aside and look at the brighter side of things.

Hi Dayton,

I've been seeing my boyfriend for the past three years. Recently, a young and hot new guy started working the same shift at the fast food restaurant where I work. We flirt all the time, and he has recently made his sexual desire known to me. My current guy is steady, reliable, and makes me feel like a queen. My current boyfriend and I are great together, but I can't help wonder what things would be like with the new guy at work. Should I stay with my current guy or leave for greener pastures?

Sincerely, Torn in Tulsa

When someone says "I' need to pray on it", I hear "I don't believe in this bad idea yet, but I will get back to you after deluding myself".

A man called in to complain about his car being damaged. He was working at a building where people had to pay for parking. So, this man decided to park in a side street to avoid the fees.