Shouting Into the Void

The only person who can complain

Back in 1996, I was complaining about some political issue on the KU bus. Some guy says, "You have no right to complain if you don't vote." I looked at him and said, "I have no right to vote since I'm not a citizen, so I'm literally in the only group that can legitimately complain about how things are since I have no say in any of it. However, if your mom or sister is willing to marry me, I'll be sure to vote in 2000."

Red flags

When a company's retirement materials say "Live to work now so you can work to live later", run far, far away.


Real protection

I'm going to acquire a taxidermied white man to help me avoid unwanted interactions with the police.

This led to the following exchange in the Facebook comments:

Steve: You realize that literally everyone will assume that it's your sex doll, right?
Me: Have you learned nothing from the pioneering work of Bernie Lomax in this field?
Steve: The schlubs in Weekend at Bernie's needed the constant presence of the corpse of a beloved Hampton Islands social fixture in order to keep them safe from what they thought was an active contract on their lives. You will only have 'Jeremy'; the creepily real sex doll that everyone knows about but nobody acknowledges.* *except for when a co-worker approaches you and says, "You are NOT bringing 'Jeremy' to the holiday party. This is not a request."
Muneer: So you're saying I'm going to become Lars and the Real Girl?
Steve: I'm telling you this because I care.



Happy We Threw Off The Shackles Of Oppression So We Could Have The Freedom To Blow Off Our Hands Day!


The Tea Party Gets Its Just Desserts

At my old job, I’d talk to Tea Party idiots all the time. Since we had to take calls from people if they followed up on stuff, I was able to see the deterioration of their lives in a very concrete way.

The themes of the calls usually went as follows:

Call 1: Obama is the worst and everyone besides me is leeching off the system! Why do I have to pay so much in taxes!

Call 2: I just lost my job. Does my employer have to keep giving me health insurance?

Call 3: I’m about to lose my house. Aren’t there any government programs that can help me?

Few things brought me more joy than seeing these people stuck in a world where their situation was at direct odds with their Tea Party views.

Xmas 2014

Happy Home Invasions Are Fine If You're White And Fat And Only Eat Food Left By The Fireplace Day.


Office Xmas Parties

Have fun at your “work is forcing us to hang out, so I drink to loosen up, cheat on my wife in the supply closet, have to get a divorce, now my kids are from a broken home” parties.


2014 Royals Game 7 Live Blog

8:11 PM: How interesting that we must now vanquish a former Royals prospect in Affeldt to put some runs up on the board.

8:13 PM: Bumgarner coming in to the game. It's like if Scrooge had to kill the ghost of Christmas Past.

8:19 PM: Yost and Bochy both look like they're trying to concentrate on what their wives are saying.

8:20 PM: After his last run, Butler should be upgraded to Healthy Breakfast or Balanced Breakfast.

8:23 PM: That was a shameful run. Butler is hereby downgraded to Vegan Breakfast.

9:03 PM: Why aren't the umps doing anything about the Giants pitchers headhunting?

10:16 PM: My phone autocorrects heartbreak to baseball.


I'm now part of the Marketing team at work. It's not a new job, just my team getting shuffled over here. I'm going to need to watch the subliminal advertising episode of Saved by the Bell tonight.


Timely Advice

Since my sister in law writes erotica, the subject of menage a trois came up at dinner last night. My nephew asked what it meant.

I said, “Don’t do it, kid. You never want to disappoint two people when you can get away with just disappointing one.”

Knowledge Bowl

I was in high school and on the Knowledge Bowl team. One afternoon, we drove to a qualifier for all the schools in the state. I was sick as hell that day. I had a blanket, was chugging chicken soup and popping lozenges like Tic Tacs.

The qualifier was at a high school, so each team was in a different classroom. Once we began, the judges gave us questions as they would in a real competition. At some point, the question "Who is known as the Magnificent Miss M?" was asked. I said, "Bette Midler" and proceeded to pass out. My only familiarity was seeing the trailers for her movies.

Some people have a winning touchdown pass as their proudest competitive achievement. I have Knowledge Bowl.


Crazy alternative

Calling someone crazy is too derogatory. We should instead call them people who experience a wide range of emotions on a regular basis.


Magnum Reboot

I'm writing a reboot of Magnum P.I. where Magnum moves to the UK and serves in the House of Commons. It's going to be called Magnum PI, MP.


Tattooed Tears

If I went to jail, I'd get a waterfall tattooed on my face. If someone asked about it, I'd say, "The human body cannot produce that many tears." It would make me a boss from Day 1.


Late Night Hotel

I was once on a road trip with another dude. We hadn’t booked a hotel for that night, and found that all the hotels in a 50 mile radius were rented out.

We finally found a room with a single bed. My friend looked apprehensive and looked like he was going to turn down the room because he was not wanting to sleep in the same bed as another dude. I was angry and screamed, “I have no interest in trying to have sex with you! If you’re going to try and have sex with me, make sure you don’t wake me up!”

Needless to say, we took the room.


Sci Fi

I was thinking of watching the movie where Common falls in love with Queen Latifah, but I'm not really in the mood for science fiction.

Leaving Early

I went to KU in the late 90s. I remember during second semester of my freshman year, a few times a week when I was walking back from a morning class to the dorm, I would see a car in the loading area. There would be a shell shocked, sad looking, soon-to-be-former student loading their things with their stern looking parents into a van or station wagon. It always made me sad for the rest of the day.

Law schools and income based forgiveness

This practice will likely extend into a system where elite students who plan to go into the private sector are recruited and promised loan forgiveness, while tuition skyrockets ever higher for students in the middle and at the bottom of the class. There is no upper limit on how much one can borrow with a Grad Plus loan, so as long as there are naive students willing to pay to go to Georgetown, the school can keep raising tuition to infinity.

Don't look at the system as it is how. Think about the logical, grotesque direction that an institution unfettered by ethics or morals can take this practice.

We have law schools asserting that their free speech rights are being violated by having to disclose bar passage rates. The ABA is a cartel that has already been disclplined by the Department of Justice on at least a couple of occasions from engaging in anti-competitive conduct. There is no conduct that law schools (and universities in general) will not engage in to keep the money rolling in and provide cushy jobs for faculty.

Per research conducted by Brian Tamanaha and Paul Campos, many law schools have done away almost entirely with need based aid, preferring to give scholarship money to people who can raise the median GPA and LSAT scores. What will stop them from extending offers of free (to them) law school to students as applications keep dropping and students' leverage continues to increase?

I agree that at some point, students will wake up and realize that they are being taken. But, up until that time, law schools will do everything can, ethical or not, legal or illegal, to protect their bottom line.

The Day I Lost Faith In Our Justice System

When I was a young boy, my family used to go to Bangladesh to visit falling every summer. In 1987, I was accused of stealing some money that had gone missing from my mom's purse. She did everything short of water boarding me to get me to admit that I was a thief. The next day, she pulled out one of her purses and the money was tucked away safely inside. When I expressed my desire for an apology, I was told that I was lucky to still be alive.

On that day, I realized that our innate sense of right and wrong is broken. As a result , I lost all faith in these allegedly impartial systems we rely on for "justice".


Datin' Moore: Applying The Process™ To Your Romantic Life

Hi Dayton,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years. She claimed that I never fully committed to the relationship, and let me go. She was a Latino chick who worked as a prison therapist. My friends are now saying that I need a younger, granola chick. Do you agree?

Dumped In Denver

Dayton: DID, this past offseason, I decided that we needed to trade Wil Myers, Jake Odorizzi, and Mike Montgomery to the Rays for James Shields and Wade Davis. Many people are criticizing this great trade because they say I was fixated on getting a pitcher who could be labeled an "ace". Well, you know what? That trade is an unqualified winner! Shields should have gone to the All Star Game.

So, let me take you back to the 2004 season. Right before the trade deadline, the OLD front office orchestrated a 3 team trade with the A's and Astros. We got Mark Teahen, John Buck, and Mike Wood, the Astros got Carlos Beltran, and the A's got Octavio Dotel. Looking back, this was an unusually bad haul. The OLD front office mandated that any Beltran trade had to get a third baseman and a catcher back. Since the A's had Mark Teahen and the Astros had Buck, the OLD front office made the deal. They were shortsighted in thinking they needed to get specific position players back, rather than just going for the best overall return. When I got here and instituted The Process™, all that wrong headed thinking was replaced with effective scouting and a focus on the right types of players.

So, you need to find the best overall girl for you. It doesn't matter if she's a "granola" or a "preppie". She just has to be the best overall talent. Just look at what I did in the 2006 Draft. Wait, on second thought, don't....


It's easy to be snarky and cynical. Hell, that's my default mode. But, we all need to take a few minutes each day to think about how amazing and wondrous the world around us is. We are all able to live in the best country on Earth, we have our health (most of us), and there are people out there who care about us. To get mad at little things like someone cutting us off in traffic or someone getting the last Diet Coke out of the vending machine is a drop in the bucket of life. I'm going to start trying to brush these things aside and look at the brighter side of things.

Bad things can and do happen, but through all that, we need to maintain our sense of hope and optimism that the world is a good place. We need to actively make our world one we want to live in. A smile and a nice comment can brighten everyone's day and doesn't cost a thing. Doing something for a loved one without them asking can turn their day around. Simply spending time with someone shows that they are valued. We have the ability to change our environment from negative to positive.

So, I will try to make an effort to brighten someone's day today. Perhaps you might do the same.

P.S. I will still be snarky and cynical, but know that it's coming from a place of love.

Datin' Moore: Applying "The Process" To Your Romantic Life

Hi Dayton,

I've been seeing my boyfriend for the past three years. Recently, a young and hot new guy started working the same shift at the fast food restaurant where I work. We flirt all the time, and he has recently made his sexual desire known to me. My current guy is steady, reliable, and makes me feel like a queen. My current boyfriend and I are great together, but I can't help wonder what things would be like with the new guy at work. Should I stay with my current guy or leave for greener pastures?

Sincerely, Torn in Tulsa

Dayton: TIT, I took over the Royals in 2006. Before that, the organization's history was littered with hot, young guys we got in the draft like Colt Griffin, Roscoe Crosby, and Jim Pittsley. In particular with Griffin, the OLD front office sent a scout out to see him at his parent's farm. When we clocked him at 100, the decision was made. Never mind that more reliable college players like Aaron Heilman and Bobby Crosby were still on the board. By going with the "hot, young guy", the organization was set back for the next 5 years, until I got there and drafted Luke Hochevar. Now,with The Process™ in place, we have succeeded in assembling The Greatest Farm System In Baseball History.  Where was I? Oh right. So, Colt Griffin only had one tool. I always look for guys with at least five tools. This "young, hot" guy seems to have only two tools. Your current beau seems to have three tools, max. My advice is to scout out the new guy and your current beau further. If neither of them has five tools, then you need to find a new guy. After all, you deserve to find your own Eric Hosmer.

Praying on it

When someone says "I' need to pray on it", I hear "I don't believe in this bad idea yet, but I will get back to you after deluding myself".