Advances In Laziness, Vol.1

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About a month ago, I was sitting at lunch with some friends at work. I asked if they knew of any kind of disposable item that I could place on the kitchen counter while my wife cooks, leaving the kitchen counter clean afterwards. I was told that there was no way this existed and to just clean the counters right after the cooking is done.
They underestimated my dedication to laziness and my ability to find new uses for existing items.

About a week ago, I was hanging around at another friend’s cube and she mentioned that she needed to pick up some carpet runner at the hardware store after work. I inquired further and when I saw the picture, the wheels started turning. This was a spool of plastic material that could easily be cut to size.

I headed to the hardware store this past weekend and asked if they had any carpet runner. The stuff they had was too heavy duty. The salesman asked me what I was going to use it for. After I explained it to him, this hero said, “Oh. You want plastic sheeting.”

Yesterday morning, I unrolled the sheeting on to the kitchen counter and cut it to the length I needed. Last night, my wife cooked and all the debris safely landed on my new counter cover.

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Knowledge Bowl

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I was in high school and on the Knowledge Bowl team. One afternoon, we drove to a qualifier for all the schools in the state. I was sick as hell that day. I had a blanket, was chugging chicken soup and popping lozenges like Tic Tacs.

The qualifier was at a high school, so each team was in a different classroom. Once we began, the judges gave us questions as they would in a real competition. At some point, the question "Who is known as the Magnificent Miss M?" was asked. I said, "Bette Midler" and proceeded to pass out. My only familiarity was seeing the trailers for her movies.

Some people have a winning touchdown pass as their proudest competitive achievement. I have Knowledge Bowl.

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Late Night Hotel

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I was once on a road trip with another dude. We hadn’t booked a hotel for that night, and found that all the hotels in a 50 mile radius were rented out. We finally found a room with a single bed. My friend looked apprehensive and looked like he was going to turn down the room because he was not wanting to sleep in the same bed as another dude. I was angry and screamed, “I have no interest in trying to have sex with you! If you’re going to try and have sex with me, make sure you don’t wake me up!” Needless to say, we took the room.

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Down With Ted Mosby

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Alternate titles for How I Met Your Mother, from a commenter on Deadspin:

  • How I Banged A Bunch Of Chicks Before Your Dead Mother

  • Kids, Your Nerdy Father Got His Share Of Tail

  • Boy Howdy How I Met The Filler In My Love Life That Was Your Mother

  • How I Wasted Hours And Hours Of My Childrens' Lives With This Story

  • How New York Should Really Rethink How It Picks Its Judges,

  • And Also Lots of Sex Stuff Gilligan's Upper West Side Islands

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Leaving Early

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I went to KU in the late 90s. I remember during second semester of my freshman year, a few times a week when I was walking back from a morning class to the dorm, I would see a car in the loading area. There would be a shell shocked, sad looking, soon-to-be-former student loading their things with their stern looking parents into a van or station wagon. It always made me sad for the rest of the day.

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Bluffing

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I used to go to a fair amount of grad student parties. As one can imagine, there were quite a few people who were incapable of admitting they didn't know something you brought up in discussion.

Whenever I went to one of these parties, I would find out what departments' students were in attendance. I then picked a field with as little intersection with the fields of the people at the party (i.e. math at an English department mixer).

After a few drinks, I would sidle up to the most pompous looking person there and start talking about a theory I made up about my supposed field. The theory's name was composed of two ethnically different names, an adjective and a noun. Like in this game. An example is the Pyrush-Subramaniam Theory of Bovine Defenestration. I would then talk about it at length, without going too overboard. The object was to see if the pompous person would admit to not knowing about the theory. If they challenged the authenticity of my "theory", I would obfuscate by bringing up "papers" that were important to the current scholarship on the subject.

There was only one occasion when someone actually said that they had no idea what I was talking about.

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Fair and Lovely

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I was in Bangladesh back in 2006. I am much lighter skinned than most of the people in that country. While I was there, my 20 year old cousins had several friends over for a birthday party. While we were talking, I let slip that I used 3-4 tubes of Fair and Lovely every day and had done so for the past 10 years. Thus, I had much lighter skin. All of the girls ooh'ed and aah'ed, delighted to see someone they knew who had gotten such great results using such a product. I'm sure they would have bought all of the Fair and Lovely in the country had I not told them it was all a joke.

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